for
thearms
thatholdme
myheartwokemecryinglastnight
howcanihelpibegged
myheartsaid
writethebook
contents
thehurting
theloving
thebreaking
thehealing
aletter
aboutthewriter
aboutthebook
howisitsoeasyforyou
tobekindtopeopleheasked
milkandhoneydripped
frommylipsasianswered
causepeoplehavenot
beenkindtome
thefirstboythatkissedme
heldmyshouldersdown
likethehandlebarsof
thefirstbicycle
heeverrode
iwasfive
hehadthesmellof
starvationonhislips
whichhepickedupfrom
hisfatherfeastingonhismotherat4a.m.
hewasthefirstboy
toteachmemybodywas
forgivingtothosethatwanted
thatishouldfeelanything
lessthanwhole
andmygod
didifeelasempty
ashismotherat4:25a.m.
itisyourblood
inmyveins
tellmehowi’m
supposedtoforget
thetherapistplaces
thedollinfrontofyou
itisthesizeofgirls
yourunclesliketouching
pointtowherehishandswere
youpointtothespot
betweenitslegstheone
hefingeredoutofyou
likeaconfession
how’reyoufeeling
youpullthelump
inyourthroatout
withyourteeth
andsayfine
numbreally
-midweeksessions
hewassupposedtobe
thefirstmaleloveofyourlife
youstillsearchforhim
everywhere
-father
youweresoafraid
ofmyvoice
idecidedtobe
afraidofittoo
shewasarose
inthehandsofthose
whohadnointention
ofkeepingher
everytimeyou
tellyourdaughter
youyellather
outoflove
youteachhertoconfuse
angerwithkindness
whichseemslikeagoodidea
tillshegrowsupto
trustmenwhohurther
causetheylooksomuch
likeyou
-tofatherswithdaughters
i’vehadsexshesaid
butidon’tknow
whatmakinglove
feelslike
ifiknewwhat
safetylookedlike
iwouldhavespent
lesstimefallinginto
armsthatwerenot
sextakestheconsentoftwo
ifonepersonislyingtherenotdoinganything
causetheyarenotready
ornotinthemood
orsimplydon’twantto
yettheotherishavingsex
withtheirbodyit’snotlove
itisrape
theideathatweare
socapableoflove
butstillchoose
tobetoxic
thereisnobiggerillusionintheworld
thantheideathatawomanwill
bringdishonorintoahome
ifshetriestokeepherheart
andherbodysafe
youpinned
mylegsto
theground
withyourfeet
anddemanded
istandup
therapewill
tearyou
inhalf
butit
willnot
endyou
youhavesadness
livinginplaces
sadnessshouldn’tlive
adaughtershould
nothaveto
begherfather
forarelationship
tryingtoconvincemyself
iamallowed
totakeupspace
islikewritingwith
mylefthand
wheniwasborn
tousemyright
-theideaofshrinkingishereditary
youtellmetoquietdowncause
myopinionsmakemelessbeautiful
butiwasnotmadewithafireinmybelly
soicouldbeputout
iwasnotmadewithalightnessonmytongue
soicouldbeeasytoswallow
iwasmadeheavy
halfbladeandhalfsilk
difficulttoforgetandnoteasy
forthemindtofollow
hegutsher
withhisfingers
likehe’sscraping
theinsideofa
cantaloupeclean
yourmother
isinthehabitof
offeringmorelove
thanyoucancarry
yourfatherisabsent
youareawar
theborderbetweentwocountries
thecollateraldamage
theparadoxthatjoinsthetwo
butalsosplitsthemapart
emptyingoutofmymother’sbelly
wasmyfirstactofdisappearance
learningtoshrinkforafamily
wholikestheirdaughtersinvisible
wasthesecond
theartofbeingempty
issimple
believethemwhentheysay
youarenothing
repeatittoyourself
likeawish
iamnothing
iamnothing
iamnothing
sooften
theonlyreasonyouknow
you’restillaliveisfromthe
heavingofyourchest
-theartofbeingempty
youlookjustlikeyourmother
iguessidocarryhertendernesswell
youbothhavethesameeyes
causewearebothexhausted
andthehands
wesharethesamewiltingfingers
butthatrageyourmotherdoesn’twearthatanger
you’reright
thisrageistheonething
igetfrommyfather
(homagetowarsanshire’sinheritance)
whenmymotheropenshermouth
tohaveaconversationatdinner
myfathershovesthewordhush
betweenherlipsandtellsherto
neverspeakwithhermouthfull
thisishowthewomeninmyfamily
learnedtolivewiththeirmouthsclosed
ourknees
priedopen
bycousins
anduncles
andmen
ourbodiestouched
byallthewrongpeople
thateveninabedfullofsafety
weareafraid
father.youalwayscalltosaynothinginparticular.youaskwhati’m
doingorwhereiamandwhenthesilencestretcheslikealifetime
betweenusiscrambletofindquestionstokeeptheconversationgoing.
whatilongtosaymostis.iunderstandthisworldbrokeyou.ithasbeen
sohardonyourfeet.idon’tblameyoufornotknowinghowtoremain
softwithme.sometimesistayupthinkingofalltheplacesyouare
hurtingwhichyou’llnevercaretomention.icomefromthesameaching
blood.fromthesamebonesodesperateforattentionicollapseinon
myself.iamyourdaughter.iknowthesmalltalkistheonlywayyou
knowhowtotellmeyouloveme.causeitistheonlywayiknowhowto
tellyou.
youploughintomewithtwofingersandiammostlyshocked.itfeels
likerubberagainstanopenwound.idonotlikeit.youbeginpushing
fasterandfaster.butifeelnothing.yousearchmyfaceforareactionsoi
beginactinglikethenakedwomeninthevideosyouwatchwhenyou
thinknoone’slooking.iimitatetheirmoans.hollowandhungry.youask
ifitfeelsgoodandisayyessoquicklyitsoundsrehearsed.butthe
acting.youdonotnotice.
ican’ttellifmymotheris
terrifiedorinlovewith
myfatheritall
looksthesame
iflinchwhenyoutouchme
ifearitishim
whenmymotherwaspregnant
withhersecondchildiwasfour
ipointedatherswollenbellyconfusedathow
mymotherhadgottensobiginsuchlittletime
myfatherscoopedmeinhistreetrunkarmsand
saidtheclosestthingtogodonthisearth
isawoman’sbodyit’swherelifecomesfrom
andtohaveagrownmantellmesomething
sopowerfulatsuchayoungage
changedmetoseetheentireuniverse
restedatmymother’sfeet
istrugglesodeeply
tounderstand
howsomeonecan
pourtheirentiresoul
bloodandenergy
intosomeone
withoutwanting
anythingin
return
-iwillhavetowaittilli’mamother
no
itwon’t
beloveat
firstsightwhen
wemeetit’llbelove
atfirstremembrancecause
i’veseenyouinmymother’seyes
whenshetellsmetomarrythetype
ofmani’dwanttoraisemysontobelike
everyrevolution
startsandends
withhislips
whatamitoyouheasks
iputmyhandsinhislap
andwhisperyou
areeveryhope
i’veeverhad
inhumanform
myfavoritethingaboutyouisyoursmell
yousmelllike
earth
herbs
gardens
alittlemore
humanthantherestofus
iknowi
shouldcrumble
forbetterreasons
buthaveyouseen
thatboyhebrings
thesuntoits
kneesevery
night
youarethefaintline
betweenfaithand
blindlywaiting
-lettertomyfuturelover
nothingissafer
thanthesoundofyou
readingoutloudtome
-theperfectdate
heplacedhishands
onmymind
beforereaching
formywaist
myhips
ormylips
hedidn’tcallme
beautifulfirst
hecalledme
exquisite
-howhetouchesme
iamlearning
howtolovehim
bylovingmyself
hesays
iamsorryiamnotaneasypersontowant
ilookathimsurprised
whosaidiwantedeasy
idon’tcraveeasy
icravegoddamndifficult
theverythoughtofyou
hasmylegsspreadapart
likeaneaselwithacanvas
beggingforart
iamreadyforyou
ihavealways
been
readyforyou
-thefirsttime
idonotwanttohaveyou
tofilltheemptypartsofme
iwanttobefullonmyown
iwanttobesocomplete
icouldlightawholecity
andthen
iwanttohaveyou
causethetwoofuscombined
couldsetitonfire
lovewillcome
andwhenlovecomes
lovewillholdyou
lovewillcallyourname
andyouwillmelt
sometimesthough
lovewillhurtyoubut
lovewillnevermeanto
lovewillplaynogames
causeloveknowslife
hasbeenhardenoughalready
i’dbelyingifisaid
youmakemespeechless
thetruthisyoumakemy
tonguesoweakitforgets
whatlanguagetospeakin
heasksmewhatido
itellhimiworkforasmallcompany
thatmakespackagingfor—
hestopsmemidsentence
nonotwhatyoudotopaythebills
whatdrivesyoucrazy
whatkeepsyouupatnight
itellhimiwrite
heasksmetoshowhimsomething
itakethetipsofmyfingers
placetheminsidehisforearm
andgrazethemdownhiswrist
goosebumpsrisetothesurface
iseehismouthclench
musclestighten
hiseyesporeintomine
asthoughi’mthereason
formakingthemblink
ibreakgazejustas
heinchestowardme
istepback
sothat’swhatyoudo
youcommandattention
mycheeksflushas
ismileshyly
confessing
ican’thelpit
youmightnothavebeenmyfirstlove
butyouwerethelovethatmade
alltheotherloves
irrelevant
you’vetouchedme
withouteven
touchingme
howdoyouturn
aforestfirelikeme
sosoftiturninto
runningwater
youlooklikeyousmellof
honeyandnopain
letmehaveatasteofthat
yournameis
thestrongest
positiveandnegative
connotationinanylanguage
iteitherlightsmeupor
leavesmeachingfordays
youtalktoomuch
hewhispersintomyear
icanthinkofbetterwaystousethatmouth
it’syourvoice
thatundressesme
mynamesoundssogood
frenchkissingyourtongue
youwrapyourfingers
aroundmyhair
andpull
this
ishowyoumake
musicoutofme
-foreplay
ondays
likethis
ineedyouto
runyourfingers
throughmyhair
andspeaksoftly
-you
iwantyourhands
tohold
notmyhands
yourlips
tokiss
notmylips
butotherplaces
ineedsomeone
whoknowsstruggle
aswellasido
someone
willingtoholdmyfeetintheirlap
ondaysitistoodifficulttostand
thetypeofpersonwhogives
exactlywhatineed
beforeievenknowineedit
thetypeofloverwhohearsme
evenwhenidonotspeak
isthetypeofunderstanding
idemand
-thetypeofloverineed
youmovemyhand
betweenmylegs
andwhisper
makethoseprettylittlefingersdanceforme
-soloperformance
we’vebeenarguingmorethanweoughtto.aboutthingsneitherofus
rememberorcareaboutcausethat’showweavoidthebiggerquestions.
insteadofaskingwhywedon’tsayiloveyoutooneanotherasoftenas
weusedto.wefightaboutthingslike:whowassupposedtogetupand
turnthelightsofffirst.orwhowassupposedtopopthefrozenpizzain
theovenafterwork.takinghitsatthemostvulnerablepartsofone
another.we’relikefingersonthornshoney.weknowexactlywhereit
hurts.
andeverythingisonthetabletonight.likethatonetimeyouwhispereda
namei’mprettysurewasn’tmineinyoursleep.orlastweekwhenyou
saidyouwereworkinglate.soicalledworkbuttheysaidyou’dalready
leftacouplehoursago.wherewereyouforthosecouplehours.
iknow.iknow.yourexcusesmakeallthesenseintheworld.andigeta
littlecarriedawayfornogoodreasonandeventuallybegincrying.but
whatelsedoyouexpectbaby.iloveyousomuch.i’msorryithought
youwerelying.
that’swhenyouholdyourheadwithyourhandsinfrustration.half
beggingmetostop.halftiredandsickofit.thetoxininourmouthshas
burntholesinourcheeks.welooklessalivethanweusedto.lesscolor
inourfaces.butdon’tkidyourself.nomatterhowbaditgetsweboth
knowyoustillwannanailmetotheground.
especiallywheni’mscreamingsoloudourfightingwakestheneighbors.
andtheycomerunningtothedoortosaveus.babydon’topenit.
instead.liemedown.laymeopenlikeamap.andwithyourfingertrace
theplacesyoustillwantto****outofme.kissmelikeiamthecenter
pointofgravityandyouarefallingintomelikemysoulisthefocal
pointofyours.andwhenyourmouthiskissingnotmymouthbutother
places.mylegswillsplitapartoutofhabit.andthat’swhen.ipullyou
in.welcomeyou.home.
whentheentirestreetislookingouttheirwindowswonderingwhatall
thecommotionis.andthefiretruckscomerollingintosaveusbutthey
can’tdistinguishwhethertheseflamesbeganwithourangerorour
passion.iwillsmile.throwmyheadback.archmybodylikeamountain
youwanttosplitinhalf.babylickme.
likeyourmouthhasthegiftofreadingandi’myourfavoritebook.find
yourfavoritepageinthesoftspotbetweenmylegsandreaditcarefully.
fluently.vividly.don’tyoudareleaveasingleworduntouched.andi
swearmyendingwillbesogood.thelastfewwordswillcome.running
toyourmouth.andwhenyou’redone.takeaseat.causeit’smyturnto
makemusicwithmykneespressedtotheground.
sweetbaby.this.ishowwepulllanguageoutofoneanotherwiththe
flickofourtongues.thisishowwehavetheconversation.this.ishow
wemakeup.
-howwemakeup
whenmymothersaysideservebetter
isnaptoyourdefenseoutofhabit
hestilllovesmeishout
shelooksatmewithdefeatedeyes
thewayaparentlooksattheirchild
whentheyknowthisisthetypeofpain
eventheycan’tfix
andsays
itmeansnothingtomeifhelovesyou
ifhecan’tdoasinglewretchedthingaboutit
youweresodistant
iforgotyouwerethereatall
yousaid.ifitismeanttobe.fatewillbringusbacktogether.fora
secondiwonderifyouarereallythatnaive.ifyoureallybelievefate
workslikethat.asifitlivesintheskystaringdownatus.asifithasfive
fingersandspendsitstimeplacinguslikepiecesofchess.asifitisnot
thechoiceswemake.whotaughtyouthat.tellme.whoconvincedyou.
you’vebeengivenaheartandamindthatisn’tyourstouse.thatyour
actionsdonotdefinewhatwillbecomeofyou.iwanttoscreamand
shoutit’susyoufool.we’retheonlyonesthatcanbringusback
together.butinsteadisitquietly.smilingsoftlythroughquiveringlips
thinking.isn’titsuchatragicthing.whenyoucanseeitsoclearlybut
theotherpersondoesn’t.
don’tmistake
saltforsugar
ifhewantsto
bewithyou
hewill
it’sthatsimple
heonlywhispersiloveyou
asheslipshishands
downthewaistband
ofyourpants
thisiswhereyoumust
understandthedifference
betweenwantandneed
youmaywantthatboy
butyoucertainly
don’tneedhim
youweretemptinglybeautiful
butstungwhenigotclose
thewomanwhocomesaftermewillbeabootlegversionofwhoiam.
shewilltryandwritepoemsforyoutoerasetheonesi’veleft
memorizedonyourlipsbutherlinescouldneverpunchyouinthe
stomachthewayminedid.shewillthentrytomakelovetoyourbody.
butshewillneverlick,caress,orsucklikeme.shewillbeasad
replacementofthewomanyouletslip.nothingshedoeswillexciteyou
andthiswillbreakher.whensheistiredoffallingapartforamanthat
doesn’tgivebackwhathetakesshewillrecognizemeinyoureyelids
staringatherwithpityandit’llhither.howcansheloveamanwhois
busylovingsomeonehecannevergethishandsonagain.
thenexttimeyou
haveyourcoffeeblack
you’lltastethebitter
stateheleftyouin
itwillmakeyouweep
butyou’llnever
stopdrinking
you’dratherhavethe
darkestpartsofhim
thanhavenothing
morethananything
iwanttosaveyou
frommyself
youhavespentenoughnights
withhismanhoodcurledinsideyourlegs
toforgetwhatlonelinessfeelslike
youwhisper
iloveyou
whatyoumeanis
idon’twantyoutoleave
that’sthe
thingaboutlove
itmarinatesyourlips
tilltheonlywordyour
mouthremembers
ishisname
itmusthurttoknow
iamyourmost
beautiful
regret
ididn’tleavebecause
istoppedlovingyou
ileftbecausethelonger
istayedtheless
ilovedmyself
youmustn’thaveto
makethemwantyou
theymustwantyouthemselves
didyouthinkiwasacity
bigenoughforaweekendgetaway
iamthetownsurroundingit
theoneyou’veneverheardof
butalwayspassthrough
therearenoneonlightshere
noskyscrapersorstatues
butthereisthunder
forimakebridgestremble
iamnotstreetmeatiamhomemadejam
thickenoughtocutthesweetest
thingyourlipswilltouch
iamnotpolicesirens
iamthecrackleofafireplace
i’dburnyouandyoustill
couldn’ttakeyoureyesoffme
causei’dlooksobeautifuldoingit
you’dblush
iamnotahotelroomiamhome
iamnotthewhiskeyyouwant
iamthewateryouneed
don’tcomeherewithexpectations
andtrytomakeavacationoutofme
theonewhoarrivesafteryou
willremindmeloveis
supposedtobesoft
hewilltaste
likethepoetry
iwishicouldwrite
if
hecan’thelpbut
degradeotherwomen
whenthey’renotlooking
iftoxicityiscentral
tohislanguage
hecouldholdyou
inhislapandbesoft
honey
thatmancouldfeedyousugarand
douseyouinrosewater
butthatstillcouldnot
makehimsweet
-ifyouwanttoknowthetypeofmanheis
iamamuseumfullofart
butyouhadyoureyesshut
youmusthaveknown
youwerewrong
whenyourfingers
weredippedinsideme
searchingforhoneythat
wouldnotcomeforyou
thething
worthholdingonto
wouldnothaveletgo
whenyouarebroken
andhehasleftyou
donotquestion
whetheryouwere
enough
theproblemwas
youweresoenough
hewasnotabletocarryit
lovemadethedanger
inyoulooklikesafety
evenwhenyouundressher
youaresearchingforme
iamsorryi
tastesogood
whenthetwoofyou
makeloveitis
stillmyname
thatrollsoffyour
tongueaccidently
youtreatthemlikethey
haveaheartlikeyours
butnoteveryonecanbeas
softandastender
youdon’tseethe
persontheyare
youseetheperson
theyhavethepotentialtobe
yougiveandgivetill
theypulleverythingoutofyou
andleaveyouempty
ihadtoleave
iwastiredof
allowingyouto
makemefeel
anythingless
thanwhole
youwerethemostbeautifulthingi’deverfelttillnow.andiwas
convincedyou’dremainthemostbeautifulthingi’deverfeel.doyou
knowhowlimitingthatis.tothinkatsucharipeyoungagei’d
experiencedthemostexhilaratingpersoni’devermeet.howi’dspend
therestofmylifejustsettling.tothinki’dtastedtherawestformof
honeyandeverythingelsewouldberefinedandsynthetic.thatnothing
beyondthispointwouldaddup.thatalltheyearsbeyondmecouldnot
combinethemselvestobesweeterthanyou.
-falsehood
idon’tknowwhatlivingabalancedlifefeelslike
wheniamsad
idon’tcryipour
wheniamhappy
idon’tsmileiglow
wheniamangry
idon’tyelliburn
thegoodthingaboutfeelinginextremesis
wheniloveigivethemwings
butperhapsthatisn’t
suchagoodthingcause
theyalwaystendtoleave
andyoushouldseeme
whenmyheartisbroken
idon’tgrieve
ishatter
icameallthisway
togiveyouallthesethings
butyouaren’tevenlooking
theabused
andthe
abuser
-ihavebeenboth
iamundoingyou
frommyskin
itwasn’tyouiwaskissing
—don’tbemistaken
itwashimonmymind
yourlipswerejustconvenient
italwayscomesbacktoyou
boils
circles
itches
itswaybacktoyou
iwasmusic
butyouhadyourearscutoff
mytongueissour
fromthehungerof
missingyou
iwillnothaveyou
buildmeintoyourlife
when
whatiwantisto
buildalifewithyou
-thedifference
riversfallfrommymouth
tearsmyeyescan’tcarry
youaresnakeskin
andikeepsheddingyousomehow
mymindisforgetting
everyexquisitedetail
ofyourface
thelettinggohas
becometheforgetting
whichisthemost
pleasantandsaddestthing
tohavehappened
youwerenotwrongforleaving
youwerewrongforcomingback
andthinking
youcouldhaveme
whenitwasconvenient
andleavewhenitwasnot
howcaniwrite
ifhetookmyhands
withhim
neitherofusishappy
butneitherofuswantstoleave
sowekeepbreakingoneanother
andcallingitlove
webegan
withhonesty
letusend
inittoo
-us
yourvoice
alone
drivesme
totears
idon’tknowwhy
isplitmyselfopen
forothersknowing
sewingmyselfup
hurtsthismuch
afterward
peoplego
buthow
theyleft
alwaysstays
loveisnotcruel
wearecruel
loveisnotagame
wehavemadeagame
outoflove
howcanourlovedie
ifit’swritten
inthesepages
evenafterthehurt
theloss
thepain
thebreaking
yourbodyisstill
theonlyone
iwanttobe
undressedunder
thenightafteryouleft
iwokeupsobroken
theonlyplacetoputthepieces
werethebagsundermyeyes
stay
iwhispered
asyou
shutthedoorbehindyou
iamconfidentiamoveryou.somuchthatsomemorningsiwakeup
withasmileonmyfaceandmyhandspressedtogetherthankingthe
universeforpullingyououtofme.thankgodicry.thankgodyouleft.i
wouldnotbetheempireiamtodayifyouhadstayed.
butthen.
therearesomenightsiimaginewhatimightdoifyoushowedup.howif
youwalkedintotheroomthisverysecondeveryawfulthingyou’veever
donewouldbetossedouttheclosestwindowandallthelovewouldrise
upagain.itwouldpourthroughmyeyesasifitneverreallyleftinthe
firstplace.asifit’sbeenpracticinghowtostaysilentsolongonlysoit
couldbethisloudonyourarrival.cansomeoneexplainthat.howeven
whentheloveleaves.itdoesn’tleave.howevenwheniamsopastyou.i
amsohelplesslybroughtbacktoyou.
heisn’tcomingback
whisperedmyhead
hehasto
sobbedmyheart
-wilting
idon’twanttobefriends
iwantallofyou
-more
iamlosingpartsofyoulikeiloseeyelashes
unknowinglyandeverywhere
youcannotleave
andhavemetoo
icannotexistin
twoplacesatonce
-whenyouaskifwecanstillbefriends
iamwater
softenough
toofferlife
toughenough
todrownitaway
whatimissmostishowyoulovedme.butwhatididn’tknowwashow
youlovedmehadsomuchtodowiththepersoniwas.itwasa
reflectionofeverythingigavetoyou.comingbacktome.howdidinot
seethat.how.didisitheresoakingintheideathatnooneelsewould
lovemethatway.whenitwasithattaughtyou.whenitwasithat
showedyouhowtofill.thewayineededtobefilled.howcrueliwasto
myself.givingyoucreditformywarmthsimplybecauseyouhadfeltit.
thinkingitwasyouwhogavemestrength.wit.beauty.simplybecause
yourecognizedit.asifiwasalreadynotthesethingsbeforeimetyou.as
ifididnotremainalltheseonceyouleft.
youleave
butyoudon’tstaygone
whydoyoudothat
whydoyou
abandonthethingyouwanttokeep
whydoyoulinger
inaplaceyoudonotwanttostay
whydoyouthinkit’sokaytodoboth
goandreturnallatonce
iwilltellyouaboutselfishpeople.evenwhentheyknowtheywillhurt
youtheywalkintoyourlifetotasteyoubecauseyouarethetypeof
beingtheydon’twanttomissouton.youaretoomuchshinetonotbe
felt.sowhentheyhavegottenagoodlookateverythingyouhaveto
offer.whentheyhavetakenyourskinyourhairyoursecretswiththem.
whentheyrealizehowrealthisis.howmuchofastormyouareandit
hitsthem.
thatiswhenthecowardicesetsin.thatiswhenthepersonyouthought
theywereisreplacedbythesadrealityofwhattheyare.thatiswhen
theyloseeveryfightingboneintheirbodyandleaveaftersayingyou
willfindbetterthanme.
youwillstandtherenakedwithhalfofthemstillhiddensomewhere
insideyouandsob.askingthemwhytheydidit.whytheyforcedyouto
lovethemwhentheyhadnointentionoflovingyoubackandthey’llsay
somethingalongthelinesofijusthadtotry.ihadtogiveitachance.it
wasyouafterall.
butthatisn’tromantic.itisn’tsweet.theideathattheyweresoengulfed
byyourexistencetheyhadtoriskbreakingitforthesakeofknowing
theyweren’ttheonemissingout.yourexistencemeantthatlittlenextto
theircuriosityofyou.
thatisthethingaboutselfishpeople.theygambleentirebeings.entire
soulstopleasetheirown.onesecondtheyareholdingyouliketheworld
intheirlapandthenexttheyhavebelittledyoutoamerepicture.a
moment.somethingofthepast.onesecond.theyswallowyouupand
whispertheywanttospendtherestoftheirlifewithyou.butthe
momenttheysensefear.theyarealreadyhalfwayoutthedoor.without
havingthenervetoletyougowithgrace.asifthehumanheartmeans
thatlittletothem.
andafterallthis.afterallofthetaking.thenerve.isn’titsadandfunny
howpeoplehavemoregutsthesedaystoundressyouwiththeirfingers
thantheydotopickupthephoneandcall.apologize.fortheloss.and
thisishowyouloseher.
-selfish
todolist(afterthebreakup):
1.takerefugeinyourbed.
2.cry.tillthetearsstop(thiswilltakeafewdays).
3.don’tlistentoslowsongs.
4.deletetheirnumberfromyourphoneeventhoughitismemorizedon
yourfingertips.
5.don’tlookatoldphotos.
6.findtheclosesticecreamshopandtreatyourselftotwoscoopsofmint
chocolatechip.themintwillcalmyourheart.youdeservethechocolate.
7.buynewbedsheets.
8.collectallthegifts,t-shirts,andeverythingwiththeirsmellonitand
dropitoffatadonationcenter.
9.planatrip.
10.perfecttheartofsmilingandnoddingwhensomeonebringstheirname
upinconversation.
11.startanewproject.
12.whateveryoudo.donotcall.
13.donotbegforwhatdoesnotwanttostay.
14.stopcryingatsomepoint.
15.allowyourselftofeelfoolishforbelievingyoucould’vebuilttherestof
yourlifeinsomeoneelse’sstomach.
16.breathe.
thewaythey
leave
tellsyou
everything
perhaps
idon’tdeserve
nicethings
causeiampaying
forsinsidon’t
remember
thethingaboutwritingis
ican’ttellifit’shealing
ordestroyingme
donotbotherholdingonto
thatthingthatdoesnotwantyou
-youcannotmakeitstay
youmustenterarelationship
withyourself
beforeanyoneelse
acceptthatyoudeservemore
thanpainfullove
lifeismoving
thehealthiestthing
foryourheartis
tomovewithit
itisapartofthe
humanexperiencetofeelpain
donotbeafraid
openyourselftoit
-evolving
lonelinessisasignyouareindesperateneedofyourself
youareinthehabit
ofco-depending
onpeopleto
makeupforwhat
youthinkyoulack
whotrickedyou
intobelieving
anotherperson
wasmeanttocompleteyou
whenthemosttheycandoiscomplement
donotlookforhealing
atthefeetofthose
whobrokeyou
ifyouwerebornwith
theweaknesstofall
youwerebornwith
thestrengthtorise
perhapsthesaddestofall
arethosewholivewaiting
forsomeonethey’renot
sureexists
-7billionpeople
staystrongthroughyourpain
growflowersfromit
youhavehelpedme
growflowersoutofmineso
bloombeautifully
dangerously
loudly
bloomsoftly
howeveryouneed
justbloom
-tothereader
ithanktheuniverse
fortaking
everythingithastaken
andgivingtome
everythingitisgiving
-balance
ittakesgrace
toremainkind
incruelsituations
fall
inlove
withyoursolitude
thereisadifferencebetween
someonetellingyou
theyloveyouand
themactually
lovingyou
sometimes
theapology
nevercomes
whenitiswanted
andwhenitcomes
itisneitherwanted
norneeded
-youaretoolate
youtellme
iamnotlikemostgirls
andlearntokissmewithyoureyesclosed
somethingaboutthephrase—somethingabout
howihavetobeunlikethewomen
icallsistersinordertobewanted
makesmewanttospityourtongueout
likeiamsupposedtobeproudyoupickedme
asifishouldberelievedyouthink
iambetterthanthem
thenexttimehe
pointsoutthe
haironyourlegsis
growingbackremind
thatboyyourbody
isnothishome
heisaguest
warnhimto
neveroutstep
hiswelcome
again
tobe
soft
is
tobe
powerful
youdeservetobe
completelyfound
inyoursurroundings
notlostwithinthem
iknowit’shard
believeme
iknowitfeelslike
tomorrowwillnevercome
andtodaywillbethemost
difficultdaytogetthrough
butiswearyouwillgetthrough
thehurtwillpass
asitalwaysdoes
ifyougiveittimeand
letitsoletit
go
slowly
likeabrokenpromise
letitgo
ilikethewaythestretchmarks
onmythighslookhumanand
thatwe’resosoftyet
roughandjunglewild
whenweneedtobe
ilovethataboutus
howcapableweareoffeeling
howunafraidweareofbreaking
andtendtoourwoundswithgrace
justbeingawoman
callingmyself
awoman
makesmeutterlywhole
andcomplete
myissuewithwhattheyconsiderbeautiful
istheirconceptofbeauty
centersaroundexcludingpeople
ifindhairbeautiful
whenawomanwearsit
likeagardenonherskin
thatisthedefinitionofbeauty
bighookednoses
pointingupwardtothesky
likethey’rerising
totheoccasion
skinthecolorofearth
myancestorsplantedcropson
tofeedalineageofwomenwith
thighsthickastreetrunks
eyeslikealmonds
deeplyhoodedwithconviction
theriversofpunjab
flowthroughmybloodstreamso
don’ttellmemywomen
aren’tasbeautiful
astheonesin
yourcountry
ourbacks
tellstories
nobookshave
thespineto
carry
-womenofcolor
acceptyourself
asyouweredesigned
yourbody
isamuseum
ofnaturaldisasters
canyougrasphow
stunningthatis
losingyou
wasthebecoming
ofmyself
otherwomen’sbodies
arenotourbattlegrounds
removingallthehair
offyourbodyisokay
ifthat’swhatyouwanttodo
justasmuchaskeepingallthehair
onyourbodyisokay
ifthat’swhatyouwanttodo
-youbelongonlytoyourself
apparentlyitisungracefulofme
tomentionmyperiodinpublic
causetheactualbiology
ofmybodyistooreal
itisokaytosellwhat’s
betweenawoman’slegs
morethanitisokayto
mentionitsinnerworkings
therecreationaluseof
thisbodyisseenas
beautifulwhile
itsnatureis
seenasugly
youwereadragonlongbefore
hecamearoundandsaid
youcouldfly
youwillremainadragon
longafterhe’sleft
iwanttoapologizetoallthewomen
ihavecalledpretty
beforei’vecalledthemintelligentorbrave
iamsorryimadeitsoundasthough
somethingassimpleaswhatyou’rebornwith
isthemostyouhavetobeproudofwhenyour
spirithascrushedmountains
fromnowoniwillsaythingslike
youareresilientoryouareextraordinary
notbecauseidon’tthinkyou’repretty
butbecauseyouaresomuchmorethanthat
ihave
whatihave
andiamhappy
i’velost
whati’velost
andiam
still
happy
-outlook
youlookatmeandcry
everythinghurts
iholdyouandwhisper
buteverythingcanheal
ifthehurtcomes
sowillthehappiness
-bepatient
thenamekaur
makesmeafreewoman
itremovestheshacklesthat
trytobindme
upliftsme
toremindmeiamequalto
anymaneventhoughthestate
ofthisworldscreamstomeiamnot
thatiammyownwomanand
ibelongwhollytomyself
andtheuniverse
ithumblesme
callsoutandsaysihavea
universaldutytosharewith
humanitytonurture
andservethesisterhood
toraisethosethatneedraising
thenamekaurrunsinmyblood
itwasinmebeforetheworditselfexisted
itismyidentityandmyliberation
-kaur
awomanofsikhi
theworld
givesyou
somuchpain
andhereyouare
makinggoldoutofit
-thereisnothingpurerthanthat
howyouloveyourselfis
howyouteachothers
toloveyou
myheartachesforsistersmorethananything
itachesforwomenhelpingwomen
likeflowersacheforspring
thegoddessbetweenyourlegs
makesmouthswater
you
areyourown
soulmate
somepeople
aresobitter
tothem
youmustbekindest
weallmoveforwardwhen
werecognizehowresilient
andstrikingthewomen
aroundusare
foryoutoseebeautyhere
doesnotmean
thereisbeautyinme
itmeansthereisbeautyrooted
sodeepwithinyou
youcan’thelpbut
seeiteverywhere
hair
ifitwasnotsupposedtobethere
wouldnotbegrowing
onourbodiesinthefirstplace
-weareatwarwithwhatcomesmostnaturallytous
mostimportantlylove
likeit’stheonlythingyouknowhow
attheendofthedayallthis
meansnothing
thispage
whereyou’resitting
yourdegree
yourjob
themoney
nothingevenmatters
exceptloveandhumanconnection
whoyouloved
andhowdeeplyyoulovedthem
howyoutouchedthepeoplearoundyou
andhowmuchyougavethem
iwanttoremainso
rootedtotheground
thesetears
thesehands
thesefeet
sinkin
-grounded
youhavetostop
searchingforwhyatsomepoint
youhavetoleaveitalone
ifyouarenotenoughforyourself
youwillneverbeenough
forsomeoneelse
youmust
wanttospend
therestofyourlife
withyourself
first
ofcourseiwanttobesuccessful
butidon’tcravesuccessforme
ineedtobesuccessfultogain
enoughmilkandhoney
tohelpthosearound
mesucceed
myheartbeatquickensat
thethoughtofbirthingpoems
whichiswhyiwillneverstop
openingmyselfuptoconceivethem
thelovemaking
tothewords
issoerotic
iameitherinlove
orinlustwith
thewriting
orboth
whatterrifiesmemostishowwe
foamatthemouthwithenvy
whenotherssucceed
butsighinrelief
whentheyarefailing
ourstruggleto
celebrateeachotheris
what’sprovenmostdifficult
inbeinghuman
yourart
isnotabouthowmanypeople
likeyourwork
yourart
isabout
ifyourheartlikesyourwork
ifyoursoullikesyourwork
it’sabouthowhonest
youarewithyourself
andyou
mustnever
tradehonesty
forrelatability
-toallyouyoungpoets
givetothose
whohavenothing
togivetoyou
-seva(selflessservice)
yousplitmeopen
inthemosthonest
waythereis
tosplitasoulopen
andforcedmetowrite
atatimeiwassurei
couldnotwriteagain
-thankyou
youhavemadeittotheend.withmyheartinyourhands.thankyou.for
arrivingheresafely.forbeingtenderwiththemostdelicatepartofme.
sitdown.breathe.youmustbetired.letmekissyourhands.youreyes.
theymustbewantingofsomethingsweet.iamsendingyouallmysugar.
iwouldbenowhereandnothingifitwerenotforyou.you’vehelpedme
becomethewomaniwantedtobe.butwastooafraidtobe.doyouhave
anyideahowmuchofamiracleyouare.howlovelyit’sbeen.andhow
lovelyitwillalwaysbe.iamkneelingbeforeyou.sayingthankyou.i
amsendingmylovetoyoureyes.maytheyalwaysseegoodnessin
people.andmayyoualwayspracticekindness.mayweseeeachotheras
one.maywebenothingshortofinlovewitheverythingtheuniversehas
tooffer.andmaywealwaysstaygrounded.rooted.ourfeetplanted
firmlyontotheearth.
-aloveletterfrommetoyou
rupikaurisawriterandartistbasedintoronto,canada.throughouther
poetryandillustrationssheengageswiththemesoflove,loss,trauma,
healing,andfemininity.shesharesherwritingwiththeworldasameans
tocreateasafespaceforprogressivehealingandforwardmovement.her
creativedirectionandphotographyhavebrokeninternationalboundaries
andhavesincemadeitintogalleries,magazines,andspacesaroundthe
world.whensheisnotwritingorcreatingotherart,sheistravelingto
performspokenword,aswellashostingwritingworkshops.youcan
findmoreofherworkat:www.rupikaur.com
-aboutthewriter
milkandhoneyisa
collectionofpoetryabout
love
loss
trauma
abuse
healing
andfemininity
itissplitintofourchapters
eachchapterservesadifferentpurpose
dealswithadifferentpain
healsadifferentheartache
milkandhoneytakesreadersthrough
ajourneyofthemostbittermomentsinlife
andfindssweetnessinthem
becausethereissweetnesseverywhere
ifyouarejustwillingtolook
-aboutthebook
Checkouttheseandother
AndrewsMcMeelbooksat
www.andrewsmcmeel.com:
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improveourebooks.Wewould
appreciateyourfeedback.
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milkandhoneycopyright©2015byRupiKaur.Allrightsreserved.No
partofthisbookmaybeusedorreproducedinanymannerwhatsoever
withoutwrittenpermissionexceptinthecaseofreprintsinthecontextof
reviews.
AndrewsMcMeelPublishing
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www.andrewsmcmeel.com
www.rupikaur.com
ISBN:978-1-4494-7866-7
LibraryofCongressControlNumber:2015946719
EbookbyErikaKuster
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